Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Diet

 If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that one of the issues I've struggled with is losing weight.

Don't we all?

Well, I think I've finally figured it out.  Of course it's easy to say "eat less and exercise more," and that is the truth.  But what do you do when you are exercising more and eating less and the weight still isn't coming off? What do you do when you find yourself trying to count calories, exercise until your body breaks down, and the scale doesn't move for over a year?

I tell you, dear friends, I think I found the solution.  And lucky you, I will even share this most awesome secret to weight loss.  Listen up, here's what you do:

Oops, sorry!  That's not it.  Wrong graphic.  The graphics department has been sacked.  And a moose once bit my sister. 

Anywho, here's what you do:

1.  First, you get laid off and despite much searching, applying, and many interviews, you are unable to get a job of appropriate wage.  In the meantime your savings gets sucked through an inter-spacial vacuum never to be seen or heard from again.  Unemployment cuts you off because they say you have no money left in Tier 1, but you don't qualify for Tier 2 because you have money left in Tier 1.  Then you die.

 2.  Second, you decide to go back to school, apply, get in, get all your i's crossed and t's dotted (strike that--reverse it), and then apply to many minimum-wage jobs, begging on all fours for them to please work around your weird, strung-out school schedule.  The only one who agrees (as they ask you to stop groveling) is a corporate restaurant who hires you as a server.

3.  Third, work many hours on your feet, walking as fast as you can at all times while carrying hot food, cold drinks, heavy, dirty plates, while weaving in and out of other-server-traffic for minuscule pay; walk all over campus with a heavy backpack; then (and this is of utmost importance) be so poor that you can't afford to buy food! It really helps the latter if you have animals that you are responsible for keeping fed, so that any income you do manage to eek out of your employment goes directly into the bellies of your critters instead of you.

Nicole Richie must have a lot of critters....

I do believe if you follow these steps, like I have, you will see the same success on the scale.  In three months I have lost twenty pounds and am down a jean size (the smallest size I've been since the first time I went to junior college).  Of course I had to sell my soul to buy a few pairs of jeans in my new size, but I never did need that thing anyway.

Dieting is just wishful shrinking,

1 comment:

Annette said...

Congratulations on the weight loss -- just be sure you aren't starving yourself!