Sunday, June 26, 2011

Farmspeak

Out here in the boonies, you hear all kinds of sayings. Some of them are quite commonplace, while others will make you sit up and take notice. Just to warn you, this post has a little bit more explicit language than what I usually write. I tried to clean it up, but the sayings just aren't the same without the more colorful words, so I left 'em as I'm told 'em.

In any case, if you're very sensitive to such things, avert your eyes and close your browser immediately. Fellow heathens onward!

As an example, when Sophie places herself between me and an object I'm viewing, I let her know that she "makes a better door than she does a window."

Or when she comes running around the corner barking her head off anytime anyone drives up, you could say she's "as subtle as a horse turd in the cream pitcher."

Speaking of horses, they haven't been happy in this heat lately--it's been "hot enough to singe the feathers off a buzzard's ass."

I tell them to buck up, though. At least they haven't been "rode hard and put up wet."

That fence behind Bambi is "ugly enough to run a ghost up a thorny bush," (thanks to Bambi thinking she's a hunter/jumper) but it's just temporary. I wish I had more money to re-fence the entire place right now, but "you can shit in one hand and wish in the other and you know which one will fill up first."

For the past two weeks I've been working really hard on the brick path. You could say I've been "busier than a one legged cat trying to bury shit on a marble floor."

I suppose I could do more, though. You could "stick a broom up my ass and I'll sweep the floor while I'm at it."

I'd tell you that my body isn't bruised, tired, and beaten from hauling all these bricks and setting them in place, but then you'd tell me "don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining."

However, having this part of the landscaping finished is "better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

Sorry, "I had my tongue over my eye teeth and couldn't see what I was saying."

I really like my turkeys, but bless their little hearts, they are as "ugly as the north end of a mule walking south."

The sad fact is they really are as "ugly as a mud fence and half as smart."

Their "heads might whistle in a cross wind," but they are "about as funny as a fart in a spacesuit."

The cats have been spending their days napping on the couch. They were apparently "born tired and raised lazy."

They're really close now. I think Milton would "walk through hell in gasoline underwear for" Harley.

Charlie isn't exactly thrilled about having a puppy like Evie to look after, but he knows you're supposed to "dance with the one that brung ya."

Evie's antics go over "like a turd in a punch bowl," but Charlie puts up with it. He's "so old he farts dust," so he knows that "life is like a turd sandwich; the more bread you've got the less shit you have to eat."

Time to make like a cow pile and hit the trail!

~J

7 comments:

Jennifer MacNeill-Traylor said...

I LOVE funny sayings like this. I learned some new ones from you. Here's one of my favs from an Irish lady about a guy with a black eye, "He looks like he was talkin' when he shoulda been listening."

Alan T Hainkel said...

That was HI-larious... :D

Grey Horse Matters said...

Funny. I've heard most of them before and my mother- in- law actually told her boss one time maybe she could stick a broom up her ass and sweep the floor too. Thought that was very funny.

One of my favorite farm sayings that I heard when I was a teenager was "we go to bed with the chickens", meaning early, but as a teenager I just sort of looked at this guy as a little weird (until I 'got it').

Spiritartartist said...

Some real funny ones here, Jessie. I use, "Better than a sharp stick in your eye" myself. My dad always said;" I'll kick your ass so high a bird will build a nest in it before you hit the ground." and we usually straightened up after that. :-D

Nicole said...

haha, I know these all to well :)

And one to add, my husband tells his daughter that if she doesn't be good he's going to paint her back porch red.

Calm, Forward, Straight said...

"walk through hell in gasoline underwear" lmao! Who the heck thought of that one?! Thanks for the laughs :)

smazourek said...

This was awesome, if a little scatological...