I sincerely apologize for being MIA for, well, much longer than I should have been. Finals are this coming week and last week I had countless tests, which did pretty much nothing but test the limits of my capacity for stress. I am pleased to report I got through all of it without being committed or arrested. Yay me!
On top of school and work, I got the word back on my car and in all likelihood it is totaled. This wasn't a complete surprise to me, but I was disappointed. I love this car.
I mean, I "loved" it, before the deer rearranged the engine compartment. Now I have to search for and buy another car, which is great fun for my dad, who loves to look at new cars, but not so much fun for me, being significantly underemployed and with my future so uncertain. Getting a new car is supposed to be fun, not give you ulcers.
In fact, I was voicing my concerns to my dad earlier today about my (under)employment situation. Waiting tables is fine for a back-up, second job, and if I didn't have to drive 100 miles round-trip to do it, but I really need something a little more reliable and economical--ironically, much the same qualities I appreciated in my late car. I have been applying for positions for a while now and unfortunately I have gotten no response, which is incredibly frustrating. I know I can add value through my experience and my strong work ethic, and yet I am continuously denied the opportunity to prove myself.
I don't drink except for maybe a light beer or glass of wine once every month or two. I don't smoke and I've never touched an illegal drug in my life. I've never had anything more than a speeding ticket--the last of which I had in 2008 (in Drexel, Missouri--the day I moved to the town, which was a lovely "welcome home"). I graduated with honors, had a 3.75 GPA in college and now, even with a degree in English, I have a 92% in Chemistry and a 93% in Biology. I've tried my best to work hard and be a good person. I haven't been perfect, by any means, but I've done everything I could to learn from my mistakes.
Long story short, it is incredibly frustrating to have done everything by the book and not have any of it mean anything.
I didn't intend this post to be a rant. Actually, it's intended to be the explanation of an epiphany I had today. I realized, if I thought I was so great that someone should hire me, perhaps...I should just hire myself.
Okay, I know this doesn't make much sense, but bear with me for one second.
I've been told several times that I should "write for a living." Whether it was suggested via book, website, etc., I've often been complimented (and thankfully so) on my writing. However, I know it is nearly impossible to make a living as a writer. To me, it is at the same level as becoming a professional singer, or an actor--the probability that someone, in the right place and the right time, would recognize my talent as significant enough to invest in, and then for that investment to turn into success, has about the same chance as me picking up a winning lottery ticket off the sidewalk tomorrow...especially when I carry on writing run-on sentences like this one.
I do enjoy writing, though. Even more, I enjoy the reactions that people have when they read my writing. There is something special about being able to type out symbolic characters in a way as to not only convey meaning through language, but emotion.
My dad told me a story today--a story meant to relate to me, even though it was about a basketball coach at an until-recently-unknown university. I won't bore you with the details, but the point of the story was that this coach was an intelligent young man who was successful on paper, but gave it all up to follow an unlikely dream. Starting out with nothing, he dug in his heels and worked hard, earning nothing, just to do what he loved. Eventually it paid off--it paid off because he did what he loved.
So I thought...perhaps I should start doing what I love. Even if I don't become a "success," I will at least be doing something I enjoy, and in the meantime, continue grow and learn along the way. Here is a preview, the first paragraph of a work in progress:
There are dark recesses that exist in history, where injustices were kept hidden away from the masses and have since long been forgotten. This history is not found in school textbooks and were it not for the writings of a few to preserve the memory of the victims and their saviors, would have been erased from time altogether. So many short lives were made meaningless only by circumstance—people who did nothing wrong, but were forced to live and die in unimaginable horror. There were only a handful of brave people who recognized these crimes being committed as those against fellow human beings. These heros remain largely unrecognized as we now take for granted the right that each of us has to be free.
I've thought of doing this book for a long time. I've already done a lot of research, but there is much more to be done. Chances are, since no one knows me and I have a long way to go to proving myself in this area, I will not have a publisher lined up anytime soon. Therefore, unless something comes up in the near future, I will publish this book online myself in a blog yet to be named. I do not want to disclose the subject (based on true stories) yet, but I do believe it will hold at least some interest for many, whether you enjoy reading my writing or not.
In the meantime, I will try to be more faithful to this blog and my readers--all three of you....