Things My Horses Have Taught Me

1. It's not a good idea to try to force a 1200-pound horse into doing what I want. My species has opposable thumbs and has walked on the moon. Their species poops when they're scared. I think I (should) have an intellectual advantage.

2. Apparently fear can be a resourceful tool in the right circumstances. For example, it's completely understandable that a tree can indeed look like the Predator.

Tree:

Predator:

See the resemblance? It's uncanny. If that tree had actually been the Predator, you'd be thanking your horse right now...as soon as you can get him stopped, that is.

3. A good buttscratch makes the world go 'round (and it's ok to knock someone over to get it).

4. If there is a hole in the fence, find it. Go through it. When someone wants you to go back whence you came, don't just run away. Flaunt the fact that you're faster then them. They appreciate the workout, no matter how much they're cussing.

5. Although I'm not sure I'd ever personally try it, apparently poop makes an excellent bed.

This applies doubly if you're white.

6. If you find something hanging on the fence (blanket, leadrope, halter, jacket, the Dead Sea Scrolls), it's fair game. The only rule is it must be destroyed beyond recognition.

7. The best time to pass gas is when someone is standing directly behind you.

8. In order to fully appreciate a mani/pedi, you must move around as much as possible at first, then stop, act calm, and slowly lean every bit of your weight on your manicurist. When the salon owner leans over in an attempt to assist, bite her butt.

9. It's perfectly fine to ignore basic commands and your own name, as long as you know what the grain door opening three miles away sounds like.


10. Blankets were made to be ripped. What else are you going to do with that 1972 Singer, four bobbins of mismatched hot pink thread and a bottle of Jack Daniels on a cold winter night?

At my horses' service,