Dear Milton

This is an open letter to Milton. Although I know cats can't read, we all know they are psychotic...er, I mean psychic, so if enough people read this then I might have some hope of reaching him. It's worth a shot, in any case. I'm desperate.

Dear Milton,

While you are awfully cute and fluffy, and I certainly don't regret bringing you into my home from the barn, you are nonetheless becoming quite a pain in the ass. It seems that you have come under the misguided notion that my tolerance of a few of your "quirks" is outright approval and that perhaps it is even your duty to perform these certain tasks. While I found them a bit humorous at first, their novelty has quickly worn out. Please immediately cease and desist in performing the following:

1. Chewing up the corners of important documents, such as contracts, IRS documentation, horse registrations, and rabies certificates.

2. Playing hide and seek with my pony tail holders. I've bought at least 50 of them since I brought you into this house. I now have two. In a locked safe.

3. Knocking my keys off the counter and into the garbage can.

4. "Diving" into the bathroom rug and sliding across the floor, leaving it bunched up into one corner. Contrary to popular belief, the bathroom rug is not a slip and slide.

5. Speaking of the bathroom, it is unnecessary for you to supervise my bathroom activities. I've been taking showers, using the facilities, and grooming for over thirty years. You've only been on this planet for 9 months. I think I can get along fine without you.

6. Tripping me when I go to feed you only makes the food take longer to reach your bowl.

7. When I'm at the computer, and you come up on the desk and sit directly in front of me, I can't see through you. This is not helpful in the slightest.

8. Batting at the dog's food scoop when I'm feeding your canine companions. I don't know what it means, but you do it every single time. It is pointless, so you can stop.

9. Destroying my houseplants. I know you think they are for you, but they are were for me.

10. Sitting on my printer/scanner/copier and, in your failed belief that you can fly through the window, proceed to jump forward, hit the window and knock my printer off its stand. I don't think Hewlett-Packard warrantees its products against mentally-challenged felines.

For the betterment of our lives together, and for my own mental well-being, please take these items into consideration. I would sincerely appreciate your full cooperation.